[Cardiff] The solace and the silence.

[onlysayinghello]

Distracted was putting it mildly, and he knew that everyone at the Hub could see it too. Of course it wasn't as if he had much to divulge to them. There were the glances though, burning gazes at the back of his head that the moment he turned to face them snapped away as if caught doing something they knew they shouldn't be doing.

He thought for sure that Gwen would question him, all her needing to know just what made him tick, it had to be eating at her to see him so out of his element. Yet there he was seated at his desk in the Hub trying not to think about the fact that there was a four hundred year old man at his flat, that had been buried alive... and that Jack had grown a bit more than fond of him. Of course all the unanswered questions were inching up in his conscious as well. None of it made any of it any easier.

Still he'd just taken off. Flight to Japan and back again without so much as an explanation as to just what had gone on. It was routine for Jack, they should have been aware of it by now, that not every thing he did had an answer available to give, even to them. It was better for them, or at least that was what he convinced himself of. Glancing to the clock he was relieved that it had been a slow day, well relatively slow at least. Owen was off looking into something or another and the rest of the cases had been tied up for a few days now. Jack could have taken time off, he could have just rested up, stayed in bed and taken care of things for Adam.

Instead he felt torn... because he wasn't sure what to even think, and having Adam in his flat... around him all the time wasn't helping him keep a clear head on it all. So the time apart was something he needed, and he knew Adam needed it as well. A time to just be alone and not with anyone around him to ask questions that Jack knew wouldn't be easy to answer. Questions Jack knew he had more than a few of.

Standing up he grabbed his coat off the rack and said his good nights to Tosh, telling her not to stay too late. He stopped and picked up something for dinner and then headed up to his flat. Keys slid into the door and his toe pushed it open, hands still holding the food. A few steps into the room and his foot nudged the door shut behind him before the food was placed on the counter. The chill in the room surrounded him, even with his big coat, but he didn't actually mind. Temperatures didn't seem to phase him these days, and he could see the slight flush to Adam's cheeks proof that once more he had been standing in the cold. It was the moments like this, where Jack saw something he hated seeing in anyone, and it was that exact reason why Jack knew he was right going into work.

It pulled at him, tugging him in so many different directions he wasn't even sure which way was up, let alone right. All he saw was the despair and the half empty gaze from across the room. Jack let his eyes meet Adam's and in that silence Jack wished he already had all the answers, but he knew he was far from that moment... so far he couldn't even think what the horizon looked like.

"You didn't have to shut that," Jack's words cut across the cold of the room before he started to move toward Adam. "The window, I mean."

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[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

The words where there, a slight promise of sorts to not leave him with no answers, but Jack could see the heavy regret that lingered there behind it all. It wasn't regret for offering answers though, Jack was certain of that... it was that for once Adam felt like he had no where to really go. For Jack to see a man who before had so much that he felt he had to do now broken down and pinned to one spot... he knew the weight that could put on someone.

Jack moved to the counter, resting a hand lightly against Adam's shoulder, letting it skim across as he brushed past him to settle opposite of him, with his own hand reaching for a container of food, popping the top open and grabbing a fork to take a bite of something. Even to see if he could stomach food now, with all the anxiety that had been building up around everything from just a few less than simple questions.

Now there was the silence, and Jack could almost hear the sickening sound of the food unsticking itself from the edges of the container, that near sucking sound that made Jack set the container down and move to the cabinets to grab a bowl. He took one out for Adam as well, offering it out in that same stark silence of the room.

Exhaling sounded so loud, and almost annoyed but Jack wasn't annoyed he was just tired for the most part, tired of trying to figure out what his place was supposed to be in all of it. If he was the side of righteousness trying to stop a belief he thought to be wrong, or if he was just not on a side. It didn't feel like he'd have sided with Adam, but he didn't like the idea of being so against him either. He sought that middle ground he knew probably didn't exist, and if it didn't exist... then where did that leave them?

Pinching his fingers to the bridge of his nose for a moment trying to stave off a headache from all the over thinking of things. Shaking it off he went to the fridge and grabbed the bottle of vodka and two tumblers, "So maybe it was a good thought after all."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"Recent events aside, I do occasionally have them," Adam said, lips half quirking into something resembling a smile as he tried a weak joke. The tension in the air was making his head start to throb, though that could have been the lack of sleep.

Transferring his food to the bowl, he glanced over at Jack, eyes watching him closely for a long moment. "Let's go sit down, at least, before we both fall over," he said, nodding toward the couch. As tired as he was, his legs were back to feeling a big like jelly as they had before, standing on the edge of the grave. Perhaps because this...whatever this was...was almost as terrifying as that.

Why he was here, why he was trying so hard to explain to this man, to make him understand, to make him believe...it mattered, and he was so used to nothing mattering at all. That it mattered made him twitchy, unsure, trying to work out the whys and the whens and it shouldn't, not so quickly, not when he was still so angry with Hiro. All the reasons it shouldn't matter, and yet it did.

Glancing to see if Jack would follow, he moved to the other room and settled on the sofa, hoping he could ease the restless feeling enough. Maybe the vodka would at least take that edge off.

[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

A smile tugged at the corners of Jack's mouth as he let the neck of the bottle of vodka fit between fingers as he grabbed two glasses stacking them and in a feat of balancing managed to also get his bowl of food and follow Adam into the other room. They probably both needed to just sit down and take a breath, but really there were still moments when Jack felt like there was no air in the room to take in.

Taking it in stride though was actually getting a bit easier for Jack given the circumstances of late. He'd been through more than his fair share of the insane lately and maybe this wasn't so far off the books for him just yet. He at least thought maybe he owed it to Adam, and probably to himself as well to at least see it through... to what end even Jack wasn't sure himself but he knew what he was feeling, and for once it wasn't something that he knew would have to end because of just what had happened to him.

Setting the tumblers down and then his bowl as well, Jack eased into the couch, leaning forward so his elbow rested against his knee for a moment while he poured the vodka into the glasses and then leaned back passing one to Adam.

"To good thoughts," Jack toasted, thinking it was slightly ironic and still light hearted enough that the smile he gave Adam would give him some sort of ease that he too was just trying to figure it out and wasn't trying to make things overly complicated. Despite how overly complicated they actually were turning into. He almost wanted to forget the discussion and just let his head fall against Adam's shoulder and shut his eyes and just fall asleep but even that just seemed too easy of an option. So instead he toasted the moment and tried to actually eat something because he knew if he didn't it would make him even more awake at night.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam clinked his glass against Jack's, returning the smile with a tired one of his own. "To good thoughts..."

Which was at least something, somewhere. He wanted good thoughts again, and wanted, even more, to just curl closer to Jack and see if maybe out here, with the lights on, he could sleep without worrying about the things hiding in the shadows or the dark pressing down around him, suffocating.

With a shiver that did shift him closer to Jack, Adam forced himself to take a few bites, mostly as his body demanded something, anything, to keep on going. He didn't taste much of it, mind still wandering over the story, over Jack's reaction, over wondering where they went from here and trying to push it back to something else, something easier.

A few more bites and he had to put the bowl down, fingers curling around the vodka glass instead. He took a long sip and let it burn, leaning his head back against the back of the sofa and closing his eyes. His free hand slid in a silent offer, to settle on the sofa next to Jack.

[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

It was overwhelming knowing that everything had gotten so strained, and not even just between the two of them but with everything that had happened for Adam. Questions unanswered almost felt secondary to the fact that the man that Jack had welcomed into his home was feeling so lost in a world that Jack felt he almost didn't belong in. His food, what little he had managed to eat was sitting in the pit of his stomach like a rock, and it wasn't going to get any better by adding more to it.

Exhaling deeply and pouring himself another shot of vodka he swallowed it quickly not even letting the burn linger anywhere in his throat before it hit his stomach. He was still leaning forward a bit but he could feel Adam shifting slightly closer and his peripheral picked up the site of an offering of a hand against the cushion and it tugged at Jack, letting that side of him spark to life again, the one that didn't want the answers, that didn't want to know why it was all Adam thought he could do to save the world... he just wanted to forget that he'd heard the words, and go back to just having one person that actually knew how it felt to leave everyone behind.

Jack glanced over to Adam, seeing his head resting back, eyes shut trying to stave off whatever anxiety was no doubt still building up inside of him. Jack shifted on the couch, letting is body face Adam, as he took his hand into his. He was here, he had stated that very matter of factly that he was there for Adam, and there for whatever it was going to take to understand. Now he wanted to just let them rest, and let Adam know that the offer of time had no expiration on it, and if it took them fifty years to sort through it, he'd welcome those fifty years. Which in his own mind even sounded like rushing things, but in another sense he couldn't help but feel like he'd been living all these years going from one to the next only because he knew if he stayed too long... he'd have to say goodbye.

Now goodbye had an option of never having to be, and it made Jack suddenly more aware of so much more about just what he really had to offer to someone else, if he could just be that sort of man. Jack tugged gently on Adam's arm pulling him against his chest, letting him settle in his arms, as he placed a kiss atop his head, "You look as tired as I am sure both of us feel. This can wait, all of it..." Jack stated as he let his hand stroke though Adam's hair, "As much as I want to know, right now I don't need to know anything except that you're here."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam settled against him with a sigh, feeling his whole body tense first, then relax into the warmth of Jack's embrace. He was solid against him, stable in a way Adam wasn't used to. He didn't lean on people. He had moments, flickering and brief of something that passed for connection. Just to be there, be held, and to not be having to examine it for every angle was disconcerting. He found his mind still sliding over things, over the events. He looked for the advantage, but giving in to Jack seemed more disadvantageous. Good to have an ally to have his back, who cared, but not as good when that person was likely to highly disapprove of your actions.

Perhaps it was just a draw then, and for his plans, for his hopes, his dreams...Jack didn't fit. But he fit in other ways, ways Adam didn't examine very often. The soft sound of his heart under Adam's ear echoed Adam's own. Slow. Steady. Eternal. He wasn't going anywhere and that in and of itself was better, different. It scared him in a lot of ways, and steadied him in others.

Against what he actually meant to say, he found words tumbling out, murmured through a haze of exhaustion. "Every time I let my eyes close for too long, I can feel it again. The dirt around me, the stale air, the way it ran out..." His eyes fluttered open. "My throat won't open up from it. I know, logically, that it's healed, but it still feels raw..."

[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

For some reason or another the silence that befell them was actually comforting for once. It wasn't the stifled stale air shoved between them, instead it felt like a lull between all the unsaid and unanswered. It was the feeling of Adam's head resting against Jack's chest, rising and falling with each breath that gave him comfort, some sort of peace of mind that it could be just so simple to let it all slip away for the moment. Jack's life was full of trust issues, of questions he didn't dare answer for those that asked, and he almost wanted to rationalize it away that way, that he didn't need to know.

Deep down though he knew he did, maybe not needing to know, but wanting to know and it was something he wanted to understand at the very least. To see how a single man could think the world was that doomed that something that drastic would actually fix it. Still it was too much to think about, so Jack just let himself focus on the slight damn hair at the back of Adam's neck, and the steady breathing that came from Adam.

Then the words that Jack hadn't expected at all, and it sliced through him, because he knew the darkness... he knew the thought of never getting out of the black... and he knew more than ever that he didn't belong in there. Jack let his fingers lightly curve in against the nape of Adam's neck, trying to ease tension and still remind him that he wasn't there, he wasn't in the dark... he wasn't in the ground anymore.

His mouth pressed atop Adam's head, soft words murmured into the blond hair that still smelled like Jack's shampoo, "It's still fresh in your mind, I know that... it's why you don't sleep, it's why you need the windows open, I know that closure... I know the darkness and I want to say it'll get better... but I can't say that for sure. I can say that I'm here for you, and I won't let you feel like you're back there."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Each touch was a comfort, and he let the tension ease very slowly, taking measured breaths. All those years of training normally helped him stay calm, Zen. It was a definite sign of how rattled he was that he had to find the breath, find that quiet place in his mind. That he'd admitted to the fear, to the weakness...it wasn't like him, and that in itself sort of added to the fear.

He slid his arm around Jack's waist, holding as much as he was being held. At least then it wasn't like he was curled up like a shaking child he'd never really been. It was two of them, curled close together, snuggling, or something.

His eyes flickered open at the kiss, then closed again as he reciprocated, pressing a kiss to Jack's shoulder in acknowledgment. Shivering a little, he tried to focus in on Jack's heart and the breaths they both took. Steady, even, they were there and real and something that hadn't been in that tomb.

"If I sleep...the few times I've drifted off...I keep dreaming I'm back there. I hear myself screaming. I can feel it close around me. When I can stay here, and now, awake and in the present...it's better. Almost normal, whatever normal is anymore. I don't think I know anymore."

[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

If there was something, anything Jack could have done to end the nightmares he would have, his own even still gave him issue at times, but how could he offer up something that he couldn't even remedy for himself. All he knew was that he had a willingness to be there for him. It was hard not know what to do too, all the years of being with different people, he'd barely had time to actually think through to the point of knowing how to be with someone... part of him tugged at a notion that he knew that he could deal with this, and well but the thought of someone he was caring about slowly crumbling at their own fear, scared him.

He could feel the body against his tense for a moment, the slight brush of cold reaching Adam. Jack shifted on the couch, letting his hands shift to Adam's shoulders, not really wanting to tug his grip away from his own waist, but knowing that it was still cold, even with the windows shut. Standing up for a moment he still held onto Adam's hand lightly, "Then we'll stay awake, but it's freezing in here, and regeneration or not I don't want you sore from your body tensing from shivering all night." Jack smiled lightly trying to pull a bit more warmth into their conversation.

They'd given up on talking about things that neither of them could sort through, and Jack just wanted to go back to when things were simpler for a moment, even just a night so that all the talking and all the stress could just keep for another time when both of them could actually have the strength to deal with how difficult it was going to be.

Jack's hand lightly tugged on Adam's, "Come on... we'll go to bed, and we won't sleep, I won't let you scream in silence with me around."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Even if he was far too tired to seriously consider any non-sleeping events beyond snuggling and talking, Adam's lips still curved a bit in a teasing smirk as he stood, hand in Jack's. "Why, Captain...going to bed, staying warm, and not sleeping? Someone could argue you had designs on my virtue..."

The cold was starting to get to him, catching up with the physical exhaustion so that he really couldn't help the near constant shivers running over his skin. Possibly opening the windows hadn't been his smartest move. He glanced at the lights, the rational part of his brain knowing he should turn them off, and the less rational part dying to leave every single one on. Leaving the lights up to Jack--it was his flat after all--he moved toward the bedroom, fingers still clinging to Jack's.

"Do you have extra blankets?" He asked, all joking aside, partly hesitant, as if he hated to ask for anything.

[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

The comment got a smile from Jack and a slight bit of laughter that almost sounded foreign in such a still atmosphere. It wasn't entirely unwelcome, just distant sounding to his own ears, "Now... if I was intending for that sort of activity I'd have just left us on the couch knowing we'd eventually raise our body temperatures on our own."

Trying to sober his expression though it was a bit difficult given the topic that he'd been repeating now that it had been mentioned he shook his head and ran a hand through his hair before meeting Adam's eyes again, "I have extra blankets, and I'm not looking for sex, well I am, but not right now. The way the day has been the last thing we need is that, I just don't want to wake up with a kink in my neck, and it really is cold in there," Jack stated.

Leaning in a bit to press a kiss atop knuckles even Jack felt the cold hit him at that moment, his back tensing for a moment before he pressed another quick kiss to Adam's hand before letting it go, "It has to be something with the heat," Jack said as he moved to the thermostat and fiddled with it before opening the linen closet near the bathroom to grab blankets.

"I'm all for staying in bed and keeping warm, but when did my flat turn into an ice box?" Shaking his head, and arms full of blankets he stopped in between where he was and where Adam was standing, to just look at him, still slightly cold still more lost than he was willing to admit, and Jack felt like he was right there in the middle of it with him.

Exhaling he smiled at Adam and moved toward the bedroom tossing the blankets onto the bed before turning around, "I'll deal with the dishes and food tomorrow when I get up for work."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"I wanted the fresh air," Adam said, with an apologetic glance at the thermostat. "I didn't think..." Now that he did, he didn't want the cold, either. It was too much like the cold of the grave, and the cold that lingered inside of him, too deep. "I'd forgotten how cold winter was."

Which was an inane sounding thing to say, given where he'd spent some of them, but also true in a way. More true was that he hadn't quite thought about it.

He frowned a little, then followed Jack to the bedroom. Leaning in the doorway, he paused, just watching him for a moment, before making sure his smile was real when it answered Jack's. "That sounds like a better plan than doing anything else tonight..."

Moving in, finally, he reached for a blanket and helped Jack smooth it out on the blankets on the bed. "I don't want to keep you up, if you need to sleep..." He needed to, too, but doubted he'd be able to without a lot more of the vodka.

[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

Jack shook his head in reply, "You don't have to apologize for the cold, it's nothing that a bit of warmth can't solve. I know how it is when all the open space around you still feels like the darkness is closing in," Jack's features sobered a bit in that moment, trying to push back his own qualms about how things had been for him lately.

Dropping the corner of the blanket he had he ran a hand through his hair before moving before Adam, letting a hand rest to his hip, "I actually have the liberty of being able to nap in my office, so even if I don't sleep now, I can sleep later." Jack let his forehead rest upon Adam's for a moment, a thumb straying against the back of his neck as soon as his hand rested at the right spot, "I'll stay awake with you."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam's smile flashed, sweet and grateful as he leaned in and kissed Jack, very lightly. "Thank you." The words are soft, but sincere and in them is far more than just gratitude for being willing to sit up through the dark of the night. He'd come for him. He hadn't left when Hiro came. He'd taken him home, given him somewhere safe, even with questions. He hadn't pressed too hard for answers, and he hadn't run from the ones he did get, no matter that Adam could tell he'd disturbed him.

He hadn't kicked him out yet, and he was staying up, and right now that seemed like the kindest thing anyone had ever done for him. So he kissed him again, just as soft and sweet before pulling back. "I don't suppose you have...sweats or something to sleep in? With the cold..." Though his cheeks heated a little, and he couldn't quite say why.

[onlysayinghello.livejournal.com]

Jack smirked at him, "I'm sure I have something for you." Brushing his lips across his for another kiss that was barely there Jack smiled against his mouth, "I've spent plenty of time buying clothing."

Parting from Adam, Jack moved across the room to his closet, tugging on the string that flipped the overhead bulb on. Glancing along the rows of shirts and pants his eyes settled on a box he'd almost donated a dozen times but hesitated each time. Pulling the box off the shelf he brought it into the bedroom setting it atop the dresser. The lid slid off and Jack pulled out a few pair of drawstring pants, and tanks that he knew might be too light for tonight, but he had a few longer shirts in a drawer, which he pulled out as well. The stack of clothing was minor, but it would do for now.

"If you find anything else you're welcome to it, trust me I have things I haven't worn in a few years still. All of it still up to date, but really I just have a habit of buying too much."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"Thanks," Adam said with a rueful smile. "I should probably hit the shops while you're at work. I didn't have much before, after...well. The Company didn't exactly let me shop. And the few things I did manage to acquire are all in Montreal, still." Except the suit he'd been wearing in Odessa, but he wasn't ever putting that thing on again.

He was sort of amused at how much there was, just for pulling out and stacking for him. "I can't say I've ever had quite as much as you have in there, though," he said with a slight grin, nodding at the closet.

He slid out of the shirt Jack had brought him before they ate, tugging on one of the long sleeved ones, then tugged off the jeans and pulled on pajama pants quickly, changing with as little fuss as possible, just wanting to crawl under all those blankets.